This day, for me, has been messed up. I cannot say it has been terrible, because most of it is just too damn funny.
My day started much earlier than I had planned. I didn’t have to be to work until 11am, and figured I could do with a good sleep-in. But I woke up at 6 am instead. Why? Because some messed up mother fucker decided he didn’t like being in the cold rain in hardly any clothing, and wanted to get dry and sober up in MY god damn house, and not his. After a sad attempt to break down the door to my sun room, he staggered off. A damn good thing too, because after being so rudely woken up and reasonably frightened, I was thinking of heading upstairs to grab a roommate’s machete, and removing one of his arms. Needless to say, after the attempted break-in, I didn’t sleep much of the remaining 4 hours.
The next awesome thing happened while emptying the donation bin at work. Somebody had somehow managed to get INSIDE it, and while stealing from the Canadian Diabetes Association, found the time to take a shit in the corner. I, not knowing this, pulled out a pair of jeans that were near the bottom. They whipped out, the cuff hitting me in the knee. Immediately, an overwhelming stench hit me. I looked down at the pants and saw a large deposit of orange human shit on the cuff of the jeans. I looked over to my knee, and saw the same amount of orange human shit on it. Fighting the urge to vomit, I calmly waked to the front door, can called for my coworker, Chris, to get me some paper towel.
After cleaning myself off, Chris and I cleaned out the bin, which included removing a most unfortunate teddy bear, which received the brunt of the blow. Thanks to him, the clean-up was not so difficult. Just incredibly disgusting. The smell alone in such a confined space made me dizzy.
The awesomeness did not end there though! During a break, my supervisor and I were playing a game of “throw the old phone book”. It got a little aggressive towards the end. My supervisor raised it above her head to throw it at me, and I, sitting on the couch, put out my foot to block it. Not my hands. My foot. It seemed like a good idea to me, my foot being able to take a flying phone book better than my hands would, but there was a serious flaw in my plan. It left my junk wide open. Instead of the phone book bouncing harmlessly off my foot, it fluttered, turned perpendicular to me, soared PAST my foot, and hit me square in the left nut. Overcome by nausea for the second time that day, I rolled on the couch grasping the faux leather, trying to breath.
Getting home and locking myself in, I thought I was safe. After all, nobody can shit on me here, and I live alone during the summer, so no chance of somebody throwing a heavy book at my junk. I headed to the washroom to take a pee. As I blissfully emptied my bladder, I felt a tickle in my nose, which was immediately followed by a huge sneeze. The sneeze, in turn, resulted in me pissing all over the place, mostly on myself.
I sit here on my couch now, scared to leave it lest anything else fantastic happen to me this totally awesome day.
No Comments on "My Awesome Day"