The Adventures of Tap

I am the first to admit that I am far from being a social adept. In fact, if I didn’t have a personality that people seem to naturally like, I’d pretty much be fucked, and I’ll try to explain why in this blog. As I’ve thought more about it, I’ve come to realize that what I once thought to be a problem unique to me and a relatively few other, it might actually be the same for most people. In fact, it might the norm, and for some reason I’m just not doing it as well as those who have more social success.

I believe my problem stems from the fact that I cannot read people. And I don’t meant that in the strictest sense, but If you are not very clear with either your body language and/or facial expressions, or very clear and honest with what you are saying, I will not be able to tell how you feel about what I am saying to you, what I am doing. This makes me easy to lie too and easy to fool. I am quite gullible. I’m not an idiot however, and if what you are telling me does not seem at least mostly plausible, I will catch the lie. But of you look sincere and your story is believable, I will believe it! It also makes intimacy difficult, because again, if there are no clear signals, I’m completely lost. After thinking about this and fully understanding my shortcomings, I began to wonder: If I’m so inept, how the fuck is it that I easily make friends, or have ever had a successful date, group bonding experience, or any other social happening that involves intimacy and the ability to read people?

I think it has to do with patterns and intimate knowledge. Patterns are applied to those I do not know well, and intimate knowledge is used with those I do. If you look at all the people you know, there will be groups of people within the collection of people you know that react a certain way to certain things done or said. I have intereacted with enough people that I can tell, after a few reactions, which pattern they fit. In other words, I can start to guess what type of person they are, and how they will react to any thing said or done. This allows me to interact with them in a pleasing way, and the more that happens, the more an acquaintance becomes a friend. And this leads to intimate knowledge.

I live with a friend of mine. I have known him for 16 years. He is quite possibly the most difficult to read out of all the people I know. I can never tell what he is thinking, unless it is one of his rare expressive moments, but because I’ve known him for so bloody long, I know how to interact with him. If you interact with somebody socially long enough, you don’t have to read them. You just know how it will work out. This isn’t infallible, as people’s emotions can be fickle, but its a pretty solid way for me to do things.

These two tools to a little social productiveness are great, and have served me well, but what happens when you don’t know the person, and they don’t seem to fit a pattern you know? Well, in short, you are fucked. Not forever, but in the beginning, you are fucked. I had this happen to me fairly recently. I happen to enjoy making people feel good about themselves, and do so using meaningful compliments and showing an honest and generous amount of interest in them and what they have to say. However, this person did not react to my compliments in a way I recognized. The things I said didn’t illicit any negative emotion. I word them carefully to prevent that, but I’d always get looks of confusion, or worse, the look that asks the question “are you an idiot”. In this circumstance, where the two tools fail, one of two things can happen. It can completely go down hill and your terrible first impression upon the person wrecks things from the start, or you manage to find something that works with them, which leads to more things that work with them, and so on to what we could call a “full recovery”.

Personally, when I am at a loss, I default to humour. I have a bit of a gift for making people laugh, usually using myself as the object of hilarity. Everybody like to laugh, and therefore everybody is going to like somebody who makes them laugh (I am aware that there are indeed people that are completely without humour, but since is this about how I cope and I don’t bother with humourless people, lets forget them). Of course, if another way isn’t found soon , the whole humour thing can become tiresome, and you begin to look like a clown and not much else. There is more to me then that!

In case you are wondering, that person I met who threw me off is now a friend of mine. It took more work than normal to get past the awkward stage, as they didn’t fit most of the patterns I know. I was lucky with that person. If it was not for their good heart and the support of my friends, that person could have ended up being one of those people I acknowledge with a smile, but never really talk to because I just never ‘got’ them.

I continue to hope that one day I’ll become a little better at understanding other people, but until then I’ll just keep being an honest and open person, and suggesting others do the same. Being up front does away with the need for ‘tools’ and luck. It completely bypasses the awkward first stages and moves right on to the good part. Becoming friends.

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