The Adventures of Tap

Today at work it was sale day, where everything in the store is 50% off. My sift today was 1-9:30, so I was closing. Not especially looking forward to the insanity of trying to serve and clean up after hundreds of customers, I decided to spice up my day by shaving. I have not had a clean shave in well over a year, preferring a full beard or a constant 3-day scruff. I just like the feeling of having something on my face, and I think it works for me. I also don’t like looking like I’m 17 and preppy, which seems to be the case when I shave. So when I went into work today, I was prepared for the “OMG, you look so young” that I’d hear a dozen times.

Most men would, I’m sure, not appreciate being called a boy, but I knew it was coming and had braced myself for it! I always enjoy changing my appearance for one simple reason: the look of concentration people get on their faces when they know that something is different about me, but just cannot figure it out. My boss’s mouth actually hung open when she realized what had happened, and, not having seen me baby-faced and with shorter hair, was startled by the fact that she could see that my glasses had stripes on them! Another coworker remarked on the size of my lips. “Yes”, I had said. “I am aware of the fact that I have big lips. but thanks for reminding me! Never had a complaint about them though. Wanna try for yourself?”, and I winked. That shut her up. Other comments were a little more appealing like “You look cute” and “I didn’t know you had dimples! You look good!”. My favorite reaction by far however, was when a good friend and coworker of mine punched me in the arm and told me I was a jerk for shaving, and that I was supposed to have a beard because it was my “thing”. Well I’m sorry to upset you hun, but don’t worry, It’ll be back in a week or so!

Enough about the beard, lets talk more about sale day.

Everybody who can work on sale day does. There are so many customers that we actually need to have people bagging for the cashiers, and two people who do nothing but put back clothes from the fitting rooms. Ah fitting rooms… how I hate thee, so very, very much. I’m terrible at fitting rooms and I find it incredibly futile. Futile because it never freaking ends, no matter how fast you work. You can finish loading up a rack, roll it, and when you come back there is just as big a freaking mess as when you started. I almost cry when I have to do it, and on sale days, it always smells like shit over there. And I don’t use ’shit’ as a adjective. I’m using it as a noun, as in, it smells like poop. Every sale day, without fail, the entire area past till 7 to the fitting rooms and up to the womens washroom smells like shit. I hope its because of all the babies that need to be changed in the womens washroom. I imagine the smell of shit has to go somewhere when they get changed, and it naturally leaks out into the fitting room area. But the smell seems to decrease with the number of people waiting in line to try on clothes, which makes no sense. The shit isn’t going anywhere, why does it stop smelling when the people leave?

This brings me to my new theory. People who are waiting in line to try on clothes hate the idea of losing their spot in line so much, that instead of giving up their spot and going to use the washroom, they literally shit their pants. Its the only theory that explains the correlation between smell intensity and the number of people waiting to fit clothes. I thought about it for at least an hour while mindlessly hanging up clothes, so you know its gotta be a solid theory.

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