Liquid plummer fail


Liquid plummer only works when your sink is still draining. I know some claim that they can just eat through the gunk, but my experience has been that it just doesn’t work that way. For instance, check out what I pulled out of my sink. The lady who owned our house before us was here for 30 years, and I have no doubt that what I pulled from the drain was that old.

I seriously doubt liquid plumber could have taken on that beast. And yes, it smelled as awesome as it looked.

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Excuse me, do you work here?

A couple of months ago I was standing in the Ottawa Ikea, staring blankly into the distance while my girlfriend helped her friend choose a bed. I was tagging along as a means of transporting the bed after purchase; one of many perks to owning a hatchback.

Lost somewhere in thought, I didn’t at first hear the middle-aged couple behind me.

“Can you help us? We are looking for <insert ikea product name>”

I turned around. “Sorry?”

“Excuse me, do you work here?”

I gave them both a startled stare. “Um, no I don’t”

“Oh,” said the man, “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here. You look like you belong here”

“No worries.” I said with a half smile, and turned to walk away.

Now, there is nothing peculiar about that. I’m sure most of you, at some point, have been mistaken for an employee of some store, especially if you are wearing their colours, and are young. The part that makes this peculiar, is that I had come straight from work and was wearing a full suit.

My suit wasn’t designer, but it sure wasn’t a frumpy Ikea shirt. Nor was it bright yellow. I was so completely caught of guard that I’m surprised I managed to mumble what I did. The man and his wife didn’t look like stupid people, but you have to be pretty special to mistake the man in a suit for an Ikea employee.

Every time I remember that day, I can’t help but shake my head.

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Sweet Jesus I Need to Pee

I don’t know about you, but within seconds of getting up in the morning, I experience a furious need to pee. Typically, this is not a problem, as I wake up most days before my girlfriend does, and make my way to the bathroom before she can occupy it.

Sometimes, and this is usually on the weekend, she will beat me to the bathroom. And then I must wait. Most often the wait is a short one, but a couple weeks ago it was not. I’m not entirely sure how long I had to wait for, but it seemed like an eternity. Time slowed as I put all my energy and focus into not pissing myself. I paced our tiny living room with increasing speed as the seconds ticked by. From the bathroom door to the TV to the kitchen sink, then back ’round again. The need to pee continued to build; I was running out of time.

On one of my loops into the kitchen, I spied a water bottle in the recycling bin. And it still had it’s lid! I snatched it up, hid myself in the bedroom, and very very carefully started to fill that bottle. Despite my desperate need to relieve myself, the fear of being caught by my girlfriend in this compromising and questionable position almost made it impossible to go, but go I did. The feeling of relief was so great I almost groaned with relief. The stream continued, and thats when I noticed that I was quickly running out of space in the bottle. With an effort I stemmed the flow, capped the bottle, and quickly hid it in my sock bin. Not a moment too soon either.

Ashamed of my act, I decided to wait until the girlfriend was occupied with something so I could sneak the pee bottle from its hiding place and dispose of it in the toilet. I  then promptly forgot all about it.

I was not to remember until I was visiting a friend in Toronto, many miles from home, and unable to do a thing about it. Soon after remembering, I forgot again. I’ve now had a bottle of pee in my closet for 3 weeks.


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Check Your Pants Before Donning

Do you ever check your pants before you put them on? If you don’t, perhaps you should start…

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Update on The Accident

Turns out the guy that hit my sister was not only way over the blood alcohol limit, he had just recently turned 17. So no jail time for him. Not much of anything.

He walked away from the accident with barely a scratch. My sister and her boyfriend are both out of the hospital and recovering. The stitches have come out of my sisters face, and we wait too see how well they will heal.

Again I would like to end with a Fuck You to that shit-brained loser.

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You Never Think It Will Happen to Somebody You Know

You hear about shitty things happening to other people all the time. More often than not, you don’t know who those people are. They are not your family, they are not your friends.

Divorces, deaths, accidents, financial downfalls. Their severity can run from unfortunate to terrible. Take death for instance. A great grandfather passing on is sad, but not unexpected, and that tends to lessen the blow. A 30 year old father dropping dead of heart failure is absolutely tragic. But if you are hearing about this second or third hand, and its about somebody you do not know and probably don’t care about, it just doesn’t get to you. You don’t think that the very same thing that happened to that unfortunate person or family can happen to somebody you know.

I am very guilty of this. I say the appropriate “That’s so sad”, or “Damn that’s terrible”, and I mean it, but I’m not upset. I take for granted the safety of my friends and family. All the bad stuff was always happening to other people. That however, has changed.

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Solo Drive Home

I had been looking forward to it all summer. It was going to be fantastic, and it would happen without any problems. My parents were not thrilled about it. I had had some issues attempting the same sort of thing before, and almost died as a result. But, I felt I had a plan that would get me through it okay. And it did. And it was amazing.

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Today At Work: Morgue Breath, Dead Lady Walking

Today at work I…

  • EXPERIENCED MORGUE BREATH. You know morning breath? Yeah, I bet you do. Picture just how nasty it can be. Now think about the smell of rotting flesh. If you have never experienced it first hand, it has this sickly sweet smell that makes you want to vomit almost instantly. Mix that with your extra gross morning breath, and you have morgue breath. I had to help a lady today with morgue breath. Needless to say I helped her as quickly as possible, and breathed very little. Now, I know that people with diabetes can have terrible breath, and if she has diabetes, I hope she is doing okay. If, however, she just has poor hygiene, I have no sympathy. Brush your god damn teeth.
  • MET A DEAD LADY. A lady came up to me for help. I didn’t quite hear what she said, most of the words being cut off or muddled. I asked her to repeat herself. She apologized and gave a reason for her poor diction. She told me, quite casually, that her liver was failing. I walked her to the aisle she was looking for, and left. How the hell do you respond to somebody telling you, nonchalantly, that they are dying? Further more, why the hell is somebody with a failing liver shopping for clothes? Should they not be in a hospital? I hope she doesn’t die in front of people while shopping. That would be terrible…

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My Awesome Day

This day, for me, has been messed up. I cannot say it has been terrible, because most of it is just too damn funny.

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Today At Work

Today at work I crapped a brick.

There was a young woman in who had requested a backup of the data on her laptop in preparation for transfer to a new laptop. I copied the usual folders, and formatted the old hard drive as I usually do to prevent such things as identity theft and whatnot.

She came in to talk to me, and asked if all the pictures of her recently deceased mother had been backed up, since those were the only files important to her father and her. Feeling a small twinge in the back of my neck, I assured her that all the files I could recover had been backed up.

As soon as she left, I quickly made my way to the tech room where I looked through the backup for appropriately sized JPGs. There were none, which meant that the very very important pictures which needed to be there, were not.

After a few minutes of freaking out, I started looking for a solution to my problem. I knew files were recoverable after a format, but I didn’t have the software. At first I could not find the software, and I shat a brick.

After calming down again, I searched a bit harder, and found the solution to my problem.

The deep scan had been running for 48 hours when I left it for the weekend. I can only hope all those pictures are there when I get back to work on monday.

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